Interpersonal
Effectiveness
Interpersonal Effectiveness
The Basics
“Effectiveness” here means to do with obtaining changes one wants, maintaining the relationship, and maintaining your self-respect.
This module focuses on situations where the objective is to change something (e.g., requesting someone to do something) or to resist changes someone else is trying to make (e.g., saying no).
Balancing priorities and demands is the basic task for structuring one’s life so that it is not too empty and not too full. Although this is difficult for everyone, it is especially difficult for borderline individual, mainly because of the ability to balance priorities and demands requires having requisite interpersonal capabilities and being able to use them in the appropriate situations.
The skills taught in this module are to maximize the chances that a person’s goals in a specific situation will be met, while at the same time not damaging (and, ideally, even enhancing) either interpersonal relationship or the person’s self-respect.
Objectives Effectiveness
refers to attaining your objectives or goals in a situation. The idea with these skills is to get what you want in an interaction, for your wishes to be taken seriously. They include:
- Standing up for your rights in such a way that they are taken seriously
- Requesting others to do something in sich a way that they do it
- Refusing unwanted or unreasonable requests and making the refusal stick
- Resolving interpersonal conflict
- Getting your opinion or point of view taken seriously
Relationship Effectiveness
is the art of maintaining or even improving an interpersonal realtionship while you try to get what you want – that is, while you try to obtain your objectives. At its best, you will got what you want, and the person may life or respoect you even more than before. These skills are as follows:
- Acting in a way that makes the other pseron actually want to give you what you are asking for or feel good about your saying no
- Balancing immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship
Self Respect Effectiveness
is mainting or improving your good feelings about yourself, and respecting your own values and beliefs, while you try to attain your objectives. It includes the following:
- Acting in ways that fit your sense of morality
- Acting in ways that make you feel competent
Relationships that are not attended to can create enormous stress. The ability to repair relationships is much more important than keeping them from "tearing" in the first place.
For the person that is overwhelmed, over commited, and doing too much, it means first sorting out what is more or less important and then saying “no” to some of the less important demands and priorities.
Borderline
Individuals
Attending to
Relationships
Priorities
& Demands
Effectiveness
... has to do with obtaining changes one wants, maintaining the relationship, and maintaining your self-respect. The particular behavioral patterns needed for social effectiveness are almost totally a function of a person's goals in a particular situational context.
Thus, the ability to analyze a situation and to deterine goals is crucial for interpersonal effectiveness. The first section of the interpersonal effectiveness module addresses this problem.
Asking for Something - If more Yes's than No's, Ask.
- Can the person give me what I want?
- Is it a good time to ask?
- Am I prepared?
- Does this person have authority other me?
- Do I have a right to what I am asking for?
- Is the request appropriate to the relationship?
- Am I asking more from the other person than I give?
- Is asking important for long-term goals?
- AM I acting competent?
Saying "No" - If more NO's than Yes's, Say NO.
- Do I have what the person wants?
- Is it a bad time for me to say no?
- Is request clear?
- Is the person in authority over me?
- Does saying No violate the person's rights?
- Does the person give me a lot? Do I owe the person?
- Is the request appropriate to the relationship?
- Does no interferance with long-term goals?
- Does wise mind say "yes"?
Asking for Something
Options for intensity of asking for something (help, etc.). Do I & How Do I? If the intensity is HIGH (6), try and change the siutation. If the intensity is LOW (0), accept the situation as it is (let it go, do what they want).
Saying "no"
Options for intensity of Saying No. Do I & How Do I? If the intensity is HIGH (6), try and change the siutation. If the intensity is LOW (0), accept the situation as it is (let it go, do what they want).
INTENSITY LEVELS
6: Ask Firmly, Insist
5: Ask Firmly, Resist No
4: Ask Firmly, Take No
3: Ask Hesitantly, Take No
2: Hint Openly, Take No
1: Hint Indirectly, Take No
0: Dont Ask, Don’t Hint
INTENSITY LEVELS
6: Refuse Firmly, Don’t Give In
5: Refuse Firmly, Resist Giving In
4: Refuse Firmly, But Reconsider
3: Express Unwillingness – “I’m not sure what to feel about it… I’d rather not, but this time I will make an exemption.
2: Express Unwillingness, But Say Yes
1: Express Hesitantly, Say Yes
0: Do what the other wants without being asked
10 Factors to Consider in Deciding Intensity of Response:
- Priorities (Objectives, Relationship, Self Respect)
- Capability – Can the person give me what I want? If the other person has what one wants, the intensity of asking should be higher. If one does not have (and, therefore cannot give or do) what the other person wants, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Timelessness – Good time for me to ask? If it a good time to ask (other person is “in the mood” for listening and paying attention; he is likely to say yes to the request, the intensity of asking should be higher. If it is a bad time for one to say no, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Homework – If one knows all the facts necessary to support a request, and bother the goal and the request are clear, intensity of asking should be higher. If the other person’s request if not clear, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Authority – If one is responsible for directing the other person or telling him or her what to do, the intensity of asking should be highter. If the other person does not have authority or what the person is asking is not within his or her authority, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Rights – If the other person is required by law or moral code to give what one wants, the intensity of asking should be higher. If one is not required to give what the other person wants (saying no would not violte the other person’s rights), the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Relationship – If what one wants is appropriate to the current relationship, the intensity of asking should be higher. If what the other person wants is not appropriate to the current relationship, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Reciprocity – If one has done at least as much for the other person as one is requesting, and is willing to give if the other person says yes, the intensity of asking should be higher. If one does not owe the other person a favor, or the other person does not usually reciprocate, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Long verses Short Term – If being submissive will result in peace now but create problems in th elong run, the intensity of asking should be higher. If giving in and getting short-term peace now is not important than the long term welfare of the relationship, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
- Respect – If one usually does things for oneself and is creaful to avoid acting helpless when this is not the case, the intensity of asking should be higher. If saying no will not result in a bad feelings about oneself, and if wise mind says no, the intensity of saying no should be higher.
DEAR MAN
Describe The Situation: When necessary, briefly describe the situation you are reacting to. Stick to the facts. No judgemental statements. Be objective. Examples: “We’ve been together for 22 years, we have 2-3 fights a week and they rarelt ger resolved.”
Express Feelings: or opinions about the situation clearly. Describe how you feel or what you believe about the situation. Don’t expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel. For instance, give a brief rationale for a request or for saying no. Example: “I believe I deserve respect.”
Assert Wishes: Ask for what you want. Say no clearly. Don’t expect people to know what you want them to do if you don’t tell them. Ask them for what you want. Don’t tell them what they should do. Don’t beat around the bush, never really asking or saying no. Example: “I respect you often, I believe I deserve the same. Can you respect me?”
Reinforce: Remember to reward people who respond positively to you when you ask for something, say no, or express an onpinion. Sometimes it is effective to reinforce people before they respond to you positively by telling them the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Example: “It would make me happier and less naggy if you put your clothes in the hamper.”
Mindful (“broken record” – ignore): Keep your focus on your objectives in the siutation. Maintain your position and don’t be distracted onto another topic. There are two useful techniques here:
Broken Record – Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over
Ignore – If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore their threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Just keep making your point.
Appear Confident: Use a confident voice tone and display a confident physical manner with appropriate eye contaxt. Such a manner conveys to both the other person and yourself that you are competent and deserve respect for what you want. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retresting, saying you’re not sure, or the like.
Negotiate (if needed): Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Maintain your no, but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way. An alternative technique is to turn the tables.
GIVE FAST
Gentle: Be courteous and temperate in your appraoch. People tend to respond to gentleness more than they do to harshness. People won’t like you if you threaten them, attack them, or express much anger directly. No attacks. No Threats. No judging.
Interested: (act interested) LISTEN and be interested in the other person. Listen to the other person’s point of view, opinion, reasons for saying no, or reasons for making a request of you. Don’t interrupt, talk over, etc. Be sensitive to the person’s desire to have the discussion at a later time. Be patient. People feel better about you if you are interested in them and if you give them time and space to respond to you.
Validate: Validate or ACKNOWLEDGE the other person’s feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions about the situtation. Validating often requires you to read the other person’s mind. Figure out what provlems the person might be having with your request or your saying no. Then scknowledge those feelings and problems. Be nonjudgemental. Say outloud: “I can understand how you feel, and….” or “I see that you are busy, and….”
Easy Manner: Use a little humor. SMILE. Ease the person along. Be light-hearted. Wheedle. Use a “soft sell” over a “hard sell.” Be political. People son’t like to be bullied, pushed, or made to feel quilty. Sometimes you have to scrifice the short-term relationship for a few hours or says for the sake of the long-term relationship. You have to stand up for yourself and allow the pther person to be angry, sad, or disappointed.
Fair: Be fair to yourself and the other person in your attempts to solve the problem. It is hard to like yourself over the long hual if you consistently take advantage of other people. You may get what you want, but at what risk of your ability to respect yourself.
Apologies: No apologies. When apologies are warrented, of course they are appropriate. But don’t engage in over-apologetic behavior. No apologizing for being alive, for making a request at all. No apologies for having an opinion, for disagreeing. Apologies imply that you are wrong that you are the one making a mistake. This can reduce your sense of self-efficacy over time. Like telling a lie, making apologies can at times enhance relationship effectiveness. The need to enhance the relationship must be balanced with the need to enhance self-respect. Excessive apologies, however, often get on other people’s nerves and usually reduce bother relationship and self-respect effectiveness.
Stick To Values: Don’t sell your values or integretiy just to get your objective or keep the person liking you. Be clear on what, in your opinion, is the moral or valued wat of thinking and acting, and hold on to your posotion. When a situation is dire, or lives are at stake, people might choose to give up their values. The problem is that borderline individuals often have black and white views on this issue: Either they are willing to sell out everything to get approval and liking (to give up their entire “self;” it seems”, or they interpet everything as an issue of calues and view flexibility of any sort as giving up their integrity.
Truthful: Don’t lie, act helpless when you are not, exaggerate. A pattern of dishonesty over time erodes your self-respect. Even though one instance may not hurt dishonesty as your usual mode of operating and getting what you want cannot fail to be harmful over the long run. Acting helpless is the opposite of building mastery. At times, being honest may actually reduce relationship effectiveness. The “little white lie” was invented for just this reason. Any attempt to convince clients that honesty is always the best policy will probably fail. Discuss this point with participants. The crucial idea is that if one is going to lie, it should be done mindfully rather than habitually.
